


A Very Sandford Christmas

by orphan_account



Category: Hot Fuzz (2007)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-10
Updated: 2007-12-10
Packaged: 2017-12-24 10:16:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/938779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Danny and Nicholas spend their first Christmas together, along with Danny's entire family.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Very Sandford Christmas

Christmas Holidays with the Angels

Newly promoted Inspector Nicholas Angel had originally planned on leaving for London on the twenty-first of December to spend the holidays with his family, whom he hadn't seen since March. That was, however, before his sister decided she'd rather spend the holidays with her boyfriend in Hull, prompting their mother (not for the first time) to cancel Christmas. He got the telephone call from his father, finding himself more upset that he had just finished packing than over the news that his mother had gone batshit insane again. Nicholas talked with his father for about a half hour before the conversation ended, leaving the inspector with nothing to do except unpack all over again. It was a slow process, as everything had to be refolded and returned to their exact right spot.

Tired, and mildly disappointed that he'd be missing out on his aunt Mary's pumpkin pie, Nicholas retrieved his jacket from the hook on the wall and wandered down to the pub, not in the least surprised to find Danny in his normal spot at the bar.

"'Ey," Danny said when he spotted Nicholas ordering a drink from the new owners of the pub. "I thought you was going to Lon-don?"

Nicholas shrugged as he took an empty seat next to his partner. "My mum cancelled Christmas," he said honestly before taking a drink of his lager.

Danny couldn't help but laugh. It was impossible to guess what insane thing Nicholas would say next. "Kor, you can't cancel Christmas!" he said.

Nicholas shook his head. "My mother can," he said. "She's done it before, and this probably won't be the last time."

He laughed at the absurdity of the situation. The first time his mother had cancelled Christmas, he was nine years old, and second only to finding out that Uncle Derrick was a drug dealer, it had been the most traumatic experience of his childhood.

"Only the queen can cancel Christmas," Danny said, realization dawning on his face. He leaned in close to his friend and whispered, "Your mum ain't the queen, is she?"

Guessing what insane thing Danny would say next was impossible. Nicholas laughed so hard that he nearly snorted his lager through his nose. He reached across the bar for a napkin and cleaned himself up. "No, my mum is not the queen," he responded, disappointed that he had no doubt stained the shirt he was wearing.

"So, what you gonna do for Christmas, then?" Danny asked. "And if you say 'water that damn peace lily,' I'm gonna pound you."

Nicholas shrugged, honestly not having an answer to that question.

"You ain't gonna spend it alone," Danny practically ordered. "Why don't you come spend it with my family? Cousin Paul goes out hunting and brings home a whole bunch of ducks and geese and Aunt Leslie makes all sorts of pies and we play rugby out in Calhoun Park. Then, we all go back to Uncle Raymond's house, and..." He stopped, suddenly taking an intense interest in what was left of his lager.

"Danny?" Nicholas asked softly.

Danny steeled himself quickly and looked back up at his friend. "Well, it's just my dad used to always dress up as Father Christmas, but... well..."

Nicholas knew where this was going, and it was not good. "Well, why don't you do that?" he suggested, feeling a shadow of pain in his left hand.

Danny's eyes lit up at the idea. "Yeah?" he asked. "You really think so?"

"Of course," he said, smiling warmly. "It's rather fitting, don't you think?"

Danny could only smile as Nicholas ordered them another round.

Christmas Holidays with the Buttermans

On Christmas morning, Danny arrived at Nicholas' front door just after seven in the morning, letting himself into the cottage with the spare key he had been given months before. Not many people in Sandford locked their doors, but Nicholas was one of them. Danny quietly wandered into the kitchen, where he was not surprised to find his friend petting that damn plant again.

"Oy. Nick," he said, rapping his knuckles on the wall. "You ready?"

Nicholas looked up from the peace lily, startled out of whatever trance he had been in. "What? Uhh, yeah," he said, getting up from his seat. "Should I bring anything?"

Danny shook his head. "I told you," he said, "there's gonna be enough stuff as it is. You'll be bringin' some of it home."

"Oh." He opened a cupboard anyway, drawing out a bottle of wine, which was tied with a neat bow.

Nicholas went to fetch his jacket from the hook and followed Danny out to his car, taking care to lock and double check the door. By this point, Danny had learned to accept that Nicholas was from a big city, and there were some habits he would never lose. They settled into Danny's Jetta, the younger officer immediately going on about what was to be expected, and who all might be there, and for god's sake, please try to lighten up and have some fun today. Nicholas had, admittedly, been finding it easier and easier to "switch off" over the months, but some days, it was harder than others. He listened to Danny rattle on, content, though still disappointed about missing out on Aunt Mary's pumpkin pie.

Uncle Raymond's large farmhouse was about a half hour out of town, settled on a large patch of land. Covered with a light blanket of snow, it was impossible to tell what Uncle Raymond did with his land, but when Nicholas asked, Danny didn't seem to know, exactly. They parked in a patch of grass that had been previously cleared of snow, no doubt for the intended purpose of parking. Danny led the way up to the front door, inviting himself in without knocking. The two were immediately greeted by a matronly grey-haired woman, who gladly accepted one of Danny's crushing bear hugs.

"Merry Christmas, Aunt Rose!"

"Merry Christmas, love!" she replied, stepping back and lightly patted Danny on the cheek. "And this must be Inspector Angel," she said warmly.

Nicholas smiled, reaching out to shake her hand. "Yes, ma'am," he said. "Merry Christmas." He held up the wine, offering it to Danny's aunt. "I brought this."

"Oh, Champagne!" she exclaimed as she took the bottle. "Inspector, you shouldn't have."

"Actually, it's just sparkling wine," he said honestly. "It's only Champagne if it comes from a very specific region in France."

"What?" Danny asked. "Like Hanukkah?"

"What?" Nicholas thought that maybe he'd misheard.

"You know," Danny said. "That thing them French folks do with the funny candles and them little tops."

Nicholas tried not to sigh, if only out of politeness in front of Aunt Rose. "Danny, Hanukkah is not French."

"It ain't?"

"No," Nicholas said flatly. "It's Jewish."

"Oh," Danny said as he moved into the front room, Nicholas and Rose following. "Well, there are Jewish folks in France, ain't there?"

Nicholas had lost, once again, to Danny's illogic, and sighed lightly. "Yes, I suppose there are Jewish people in France," he conceded. "But that doesn't... oh, never mind."

Rose moved into the kitchen, setting the wine Nicholas had brought down on the counter. "Danny, your cousin, Patrick, should be here any minute," she called out. "He telephoned just before you arrived."

"Patrick's coming?" Danny said, excited.

Nicholas began to feel like maybe he'd gotten in a little over his head. He leaned in close to Danny, not wanting to be overheard by his aunt. "Danny, just how many people are coming today?"

Rugby and Red-Nosed Reindeer

It was snowing lightly in Calhoun Park as teams were chosen for what was certain to be a very messy game. Nicholas hadn't counted on the bad weather, and only had his light jacket, but Aunt Rose was determined to make sure he had a wool cap and a scarf and a heavy second coat before letting him leave with the rest of the men.

"Oy, Inspector!" one of Danny's cousins (who probably wasn't even a cousin at all) called across the pitch. "Ain't you gonna play?"

Nicholas looked over the muddy pitch, leery about ruining another shirt so soon after the last one he'd stained. "No," he said slowly. "I'd better not."

Danny frowned as he trotted across the pitch to stand next to his friend, the bells on the reindeer antler headband he was wearing jingling merrily. "Nicholas, you said you was gonna switch off and have some fun today."

Nicholas shrugged, not taking his hands from his pockets. "I am having fun," he said unconvincingly.

"You gonna 'least switch off today?" Danny sounded genuinely concerned, having given up long ago on hiding his displeasure with Nicholas.

"I'm off," Nicholas insisted, though he still wasn't convincing anyone.

Danny sighed as he took off his reindeer antlers. "Well, here," he said as he put them on Nicholas' head. "Hold these for me."

Nicholas sighed, but did not remove them as he watched his friend return to the pitch to start up the game. He didn't feel odd about being the only person there not involved in the game, but he'd spent a good amount of his life staying out of events that he was used to it. He'd only ever seen rubgy on television before, and had to admit to himself that it certainly was an entirely different experience to be standing right next to the action. Every sound and movement was amplified to an extreme which had only previously been felt in situations of extreme danger or peril. Nicholas slowly closed his eyes, inhaling the scents of the pitch. Although part of him still did, and always would miss London, he knew that moving to the country for good had been the best decision he'd made since joining the service.

He was jolted from his moment of Zen by Danny shouting his name from across the pitch. Nicholas opened his eyes just in time to experience a burning pain in his face and the taste of melted pennies invading his mouth. At some point, he must have closed his eyes again, because he had to open them once again, finding his vision taken over by heavy, grey clouds.

"Oy! Nick!" Danny shouted as he ran over to his friend, helping him sit up. "You all right, mate?" he asked, unable to stifle his laughter.

"Uhhng?" was all Nicholas could manage. His face felt hot and wet, though he still didn't know what the hell had just happened.

Danny quickly removed the scarf from around Nicholas' neck, pressing it against his partner's face, which only intensified the pain. Something in the back of Nicholas' brain wondered if his nose had been broken.

"Y'know, if you wanted to dress up like Rudolph, Mike has a glowy red nose," Danny said, still chuckling as he cleaned off Nicholas' face with the scarf. "Auh, s'not that bad," he said, getting a look at Nicholas' face. "Yer nose don't even look broke."

"That's refreshing," Nicholas said as he clambered back to his feet.

Looking down, he couldn't help but notice the fresh blossoming of red. Two shirts in one week. A new personal record. He wiped his face with his hand, smearing a bit of blood onto his fingers. The vibrant red against his pale skin was almost artistic, in a way. He stood in the light snow that had begun to fall, just staring at the blood on his hand.

"Nick?" Danny asked cautiously, not touching his friend, for fear of not knowing what Nicholas might do. "Nicholas... you okay?"

Nicholas inhaled sharply and took off the coat Aunt Rose had given him to wear. "I'm fine," he said, his voice in a low growl, as he marched out to the pitch.

"Oh, fuck," Danny muttered as he followed the inspector across the mud and grass. He'd wanted Nicholas to switch off and have some fun, but not like this.

Father Christmas and Saint Nicholas

It was dark by the time a large group of badly bloodied men returned to Uncle Raymond's house, their coats MIA and their clothing torn and stained.

"Oh, my goodness!" Rose shrieked as they all shuffled in through the front door. "What on God's earth?"

"Nicholas is never allowed to play any sports ever again!" Danny snapped as he shoved through the crowd and made his way to the bathroom to clean up."Fucking bully!"

"Inspector, what happened?" Aunt Rose asked as she cleaned off his face with a wet towel, to which Nicholas submitted fully.

"That's how we play the game in London," he answered, smiling genuinely.

"I got to admit, Inspector," one of Danny's uncles or cousins or something said as he clapped Nicholas on the shoulder. "I didn't think you knew how to play."

"I coached a youth team for some time back home," he said as he unbuttoned his shirt, taking the lead from the rest of the players and stripping down to his under shirt. A cursory glance told him that the garment was beyond saving; between grass stains, blood, and mud, the fibres would never come clean. Tossing the shirt into a plastic bag that had been brought out, Nicholas set off in the direction Danny had disappeared, finding him leaning over the bathroom sink, having left the door open.

"Danny?" he asked lightly. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah," he said lightly, picking bits of grass out of his hair. "I meant what I said, though. I'm never lettin' you play sports ever again."

"Fair enough."

They stood in a comfortable silence for a few moments, while Danny concentrated on cleaning himself up. "You let Aunt Rose clean your face, didn't you?" he asked finally.

"Yes," Nicholas said, chuckling slightly. "How could you tell?"

"Cause you still got shit in your hair," Danny answered. "If you'd 'ave done it yourself, you'd be standing right here in front of the mirror."

"What?" Nicholas shoved Danny over slightly, shocked that he had somehow managed to get blood in his hair. He wasn't even sure he wanted to know whose it was. "Jesus Christ," he muttered, turning on the tap.

He and Danny cleaned up as best they could, though Nicholas' blond hair seemed to have been stained in some places by blood or mud or whatever else he had managed to smear his head into.

"Danny, why didn't you tell me to bring a second shirt?" he asked as his friend walked out of the loo.

"You're fine like that," he said as he began to wander toward one of the bedrooms. "I bet Aunt Rose is starting to serve dinner." He pointed toward the kitchen. "Go get some. I'll be out in a bit."

Nicholas shut off the light and returned to the kitchen to find that Rose was indeed serving up dinner, and that Danny had not lied about Paul's offering of waterfowl for the feast. While there were a few tables set up, they were mostly occupied by children or food, so everyone had taken to sitting in the parlour, balancing their over-filled plates on their knees.

"Oh, take a plate, Inspector," Rose said as she handed him a set of silver wear. "You can serve yourself."

"Oh," Nicholas said as he grabbed a plate from the stack. This certainly wasn't how his mother handled things. "Thank you."

Several cousins and aunts and uncles were gathered around the large dining table, picking and choosing from the wide assortment laid out.

"I thought Danny said you was gonna go to London?" a cousin Nicholas recognized, though couldn't place asked. She was younger than Danny, but not by much.

"My mother cancelled Christmas this year," Nicholas answered honestly, not expecting those around him to laugh.

"Cancelled Christmas?" somebody across the table asked, and suddenly Nicholas realized that maybe his mother was crazier than he'd ever realized. "You can't cancel Christmas."

Nicholas shrugged, used to the situation. "Apparently my mother can."

More laughter, though this time, Nicholas joined in. For all its vastness, Danny's family seemed to be very close in a way that felt almost foreign to Nicholas. No one got upset when Uncle Whoever couldn't make it in this year, or that Cousin So-and-So had decided to spend the holiday in Greece this year. It was easy to see where Danny got his sunny disposition from.

Nicholas took a seat on the sofa next to Patrick, the two of them immediately falling into a conversation about Jason Statham's latest film project. They were soon interrupted by the children all squealing at once at the sight of Danny, dressed as Father Christmas, walking into the room with a giant black canvas bag slug over his shoulder.

"Oy, calm down, kids!" he said as he adjusted his hat, which had most certainly been used every Christmas for at least the last thirty years. "Right, let's see what we got."

He opened the bag and pulled out a small, blue-wrapped box. A quick glance to the label, and he tossed it to Patrick, who barely had time to pull his fork out of his mouth before catching the package. "There ya go, Pat," he said as he dug a second identical box out of his bag, tossing it across the room to someone Nicholas had not yet been introduced to yet.

"Oy, Nick," Danny said as he looked at the label of the next box he pulled from his bag. "You got one, too!" He smiled as he tossed the box to his friend.

The label was addressed to "Inspector Angel," making Nicholas wonder just how far in advance Danny had told his aunt Rose that he'd be tagging along. He also wondered how long it would take before people got comfortable around him to call him anything other than "Inspector."

Following Patrick's lead, Nicholas unwrapped the box, finding a brand new shirt, undoubtedly meant to replace the one he had destroyed in the rugby game. All of the men received similar shirts, while the women all got sweaters, and the children each got either a video game, or a DVD.

"Inspector!" Rose called from across the room. "I wasn't sure what size you wear. If that one doesn't fit, I'll get you a different one."

"Oh," he said, not totally sure how to react. "Thank you!" Sitting forward on the sofa, he pulled the shirt on and buttoned it, finding it a rather comfortable fit.

Going Home

It was nearly midnight by the time they had finished packing the back seat of Danny's Jetta with pies and gifts, and anything else Rose could convince them to take with them. They stood out in the snow saying their goodbyes to anyone still awake and brave enough to venture outside, feeling happy, fat, and exhausted. There hadn't been any of Aunt Mary's pumpkin pie, but Aunt Rose's was just as good, if not better.

"Er, Nicholas," Danny said as the two of them started to get into the car. "That's got to stay here."

"What? Oh!" Nicholas quickly took off the Santa hat and handed it over to Rose. "I believe this is yours."

"Such a sweet boy," she said, taking the hat gently. "I'm glad Danny brought you."

"Thank you for having me," he said, a small part of him almost hoping that his mother decided to cancel Christmas the next year, as well.

"You boys drive safely, now," Rose said before retreating back into the house.

Danny and Nicholas got into the car, neither saying a word. After letting the engine heat up a bit, Danny flipped on the heater before pulling back onto the main road, ready to go home and sleep for a week.

"See, that wasn't so bad, was it, Nick?" Danny asked, glad that Nicholas had managed to enjoy himself. "Nick?"

He looked over, finding the inspector already asleep in the passenger seat.


End file.
